I don’t know why I keep making the same mistakes.
They were all practically the same type, light brown haired, young and wild, music lovers, and funny. Though they had all their own characteristics, they were all driven by this same energy to stay active, being dynamic, loving work, etc. Maybe that’s what made me more attracted.
But most importantly, that one aspect stood out above all.
They were, all, emotionally not available.
Who could blame them ? For a long time, I was pissed, infuriating at their behaviors, or their non-responsive behaviors. I kept interrogating myself thinking that they may be too busy to answer at this right moment, to propose me to go out, to meet at night. Probably they were busy, because they were so active in their lives, right ?
And then, even though I forced myself to stop caring, to wait unconsciously for a message, to check my phone, to look at their feeds on social networks. What was even more humiliating was my desesperate action to hide the online sided chatting room on Facebook, to avoid seeing them online (and avoid being ignored while they were obviously available). Truth is, even with all my willing, and all my mental strength... I was still hoping for a slight chance the situation would evolve. That maybe the guy will feel sorry for me and start texting me again.
That they will maybe care a bit more than now.
Probably I was too blind, and I can acknowledge that, I am still immature in relationships. Are you really having expectations for tinder guys ? Are you really hoping for some kind of luck in places and persons that obviously weren’t planning to do anything with you? And even with people that i never met, I somehow expected something !
I started pitying myself, thinking I was a lovely but too naive soul. That my head was too full of desires and romance, based on those dramas, that... I just wanted affection. I miss affection. I miss that message of the loving one that ask you how I was doing. That wanted to plan activities, to go dinner somewhere, to even hook up a bit.
I missed that, and I still miss it.
But then I got angry. Why do those reckless guys get so much attention from me? Why do I force myself to give them this much thoughts and time? Most importantly, why do I force myself to wait?
I think waiting is hoping. It’s giving me a bit of relief, even though it implies getting slowly hurt. I think, if I stop waiting at all... then I would just become a lost soul that doesn’t want to live anymore. Because what, my life is so empty, that if I stop waiting, there’s nothing more to add in it ?
But I know. When you stop waiting, things starts to come. Because you won’t feel disappointed, you don’t be hurt. I know ! HS-LE.
But still, that’s hard.
My long summer has ended, and it was full of those disappointments and thoughts. I wasted a lot of time. I always tended to organize my days, my weekends based on them. So ridiculous ! They weren’t even thinking of me, and still I was including them in my life.
Now that the work and year has started again, I feel like these guys will completely disappear. And probably, it’s for a better.
It’s a bit sad.
But it’s over. It means a new change, right ?
Start fresh. And grow.